Yesterday

I love me the Beatles. I mean, they are some classic shit. Good old Lennon, Star, McCartney, Harrison. Those guys, they made some awesome music. I sure do love their stuff. Am I a diehard fan? Ah, I suppose not…I don’t really have any of their albums…I could name all of their top forties, but nothing beyond. But, as I sit here on my living room sofa looking at the bloody knife in my hand, the words of one of those classic hits play over and over in my head….

Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away
Now it looks as though they're here to stay
oh, I believe in yesterday

Oh yesterday.  If only I could go back in time, have another grab at yesterday.  If I could, would I do it all over again… would I?

My eyes fixate on the bloody knife.  I look at my watch.  I have officially been sitting here 24 hours.  24 hours ago my sin took place.  Oh yesterday, just 24 short hours ago, my troubles, they were so far away.  Lennon was so right singing those words.  But now, I am bombarded with trouble. 

Suddenly I'm not half the man I used to be
There's a shadow hanging over me
Oh, yesterday came suddenly.

The blood on the knife has dried.  I scratch at it with the overgrown fingernail of my index finger, leaving a long strip of silver in the splotch of dried blood.  I swallow, wondering if my I can swallow away my sin, even though I know that it is not possible.  I feel the shadow Lennon talks about hanging over me, surrounding me, my sin creeping out of my pores, threatening to destroy what is left of me.  What is left of me?  Nothing, except my freedom.  That is all I can hold onto now.  Everything else is gone. 

I know that they will be here soon, and that I have to make up my mind.  I look at her slashed body sprawled on the floor, and feel my heart lurch, and my body fill with emotion.  Regret, guilt, sadness, denial.  Perhaps even excitement, and vengeance, of course.

Why she had to go?
I don't know, she wouldn't say
I said something wrong
Now I long for yesterday.

In the song, Lennon’s chick escapes her.  She leaves, and he doesn’t’ know why.  He sits there longing for yesterday.  He is weak, he is a pathetic, a lonely son-of-a-bitch.  I look at the knife and feel a slight sense of pride, mixed with sickness, as I realize that I am not that pathetic asshole.  She wasn’t going to walk out that door on me, no way.  I will not long for her, long for our yesterdays. 

Yesterday love was such an easy game to play
Now I need a place to hide away
Oh, I believe in yesterday.

Lennon says love was an easy game to play.  It’s never been for me, not yesterday, not the day before, not the day before that.  But he is right when he says he needs a place to hide away.  That’s exactly what I need.  I make my decision.  I choose freedom.  I go to the bedroom, grab my duffle bag from the closet.  I throw some clothes and shoes inside, and bury the bloody knife under them.  I walk to the front door, looking back at the mangled body, cuts and guts resting over her stillness.  I turn the knob and walk out the door.  So long yesterday.