Slivering along

Slivering along

Things haven’t been bad since we took over the world. I bet you’re asking yourself, “Who is this ‘we’?” Well, it’s the rattlesnakes of course!

The year is 2678. And yes, there are still humans around. But they don’t rule the roost like they used to! Now it’s us in charge. We sliver our way down the streets, hissing along the way, making sure all is safe and sound. We wouldn’t want any uprisings, after all.

Now how did this happen? I have one word for you: evolution, baby! Yes, humans were the most evolved species. They were horrified of us for centuries, knowing the danger our venom could cause them, running away from us, terrified. But little did they know what we were up to while they were pissing away with fear!

While humans left us alone, afraid to touch us, frightened of being obliterated by our poison, we were becoming bigger, stronger, and even MORE poisonous, little by little. Back in the good old twenty-first century we were about four feet long, five pounds. But in a few hundred years a lot can change…we kept hidden, which wasn’t very hard, considering how unpopular we were. And we ate and ate and ate (mmm, rats and gophers!), grew and grew and grew, and reproduced like WOAH. And soon our four feet become twenty, and five pounds became one-hundred, and our population, it sky-rocketed! And we got STRONGER, and our venom even more potent!

Then one day, the old tribe, led by Jorb and Coza, brought together the first RSU (Rattlesnakes Strong and United) army, to be followed by hundreds of armies worldwide. Did our armies have weapons? Hell no! All we needed was our size, stealth, and super poison.

We did, however, need a plan; no matter how poisonous you are, how deadly you are, you humans are still pretty darn smart. So we mapped out our strategy: We started in the US, with the good ol’ Amarillo, Texas clan making the first attack. Then each of our armies hit our appointed countries, and little by little, we were the majority! Did we kill you all? Of course not! That would be just no fun.

So, the year is 2678, and us rattlesnakes, we are in charge. As much as evolution has helped us physically, in terms of our size and poisonous capabilities, we still aren’t all that social of creatures. So we basically just sliver along, occupying our days on the hunt. And what has happened of you humans you ask?

We call them “surlaps,” which in our tongue is more or less equivalent to prisons. We make them out of leaves, vines, and sap, sort of like a combination of a bird’s nest and a spider web. And there remain the humans, all 1 billion of you or so. It’s funny, as used to us as you must be, you still cringe every time one of us approaches you. And that look of sheer terror, well it’s just such a hoot. During the weekends, our only pleasure time, we usually choose a few surlaps, take you on out, and drop you in a ditch with a few hundred of us. It’s such a darling show, so much jumping and yelping and pleading for help. Not bad entertainment, if you ask me.

So that’s life here in 2678. Taking over the world was pretty great, but life now, well it’s not all that much different than before. What the hell, who am I kidding…it’s way better than before, it is AWESOME ruling the world. As you humans know, being on the top of the totem pole is pretty grand.