A new never

A NEW NEVER

She lifts her head from the toilet. She sees a muck lying below her in the bowl; a yellow mush, little bubbles emanating from the gook, chunks, small little pieces of food that she remembers forcing down her throat, an odor that disgusts her. Why does she do this to herself? Why does she take charge of her destruction? Why does she cause herself such damage?

She lifts her head from the toilet, wipes her mouth with her sleeve, the tears from her eyes. She decides this will be the last time. Drool dribbles down her bottom lip, and she takes a tissue to wipe it away. This will be the last time. Her behavior is so ridiculous, so pointless, so unreasonable, so wasteful. She thinks and thinks, yet she cannot find any REASON for what she does. Her life, her actions, everything is based on REASON. Yet here, in this coveted release, in this rare episode, lies no reason. Yet she continues to punish herself in this manner, fully aware that there is no sense in her action, that she is knowingly punishing herself, inflicting harm on herself; why, she does not know. But it is certainly punishment.

She turns around, facing away from the toilet, toward the mirror. The toilet stares at her in the mirror’s reflection. She looks at her watery, bloodshot eyes, her red cheeks, her tired face. She places the toothbrush on the sink, and washes out her mouth. She cannot understand why she has done what she has done. She knows that she cannot turn back time, yet there is a strong desire to do so. She rests her hands on the sink, and takes a deep breath. “Never again” she thinks to herself. “Never again” she repeats silently in her head. But is this “never” truly a “never”? Is this the real thing? Will she follow through this time?

She looks up, back into the mirror. Her face, her look, her worn out appearance, it all disgusts her. She does not hate herself, but in this moment, an image of an enemy is reflecting back on her. She wants to punch the girl in the mirror, attack her, dismiss her. But her anger quickly dissipates, and she realizes that more than anything, she wants to fix her. She wants to make her better; she wants to be better. If only it were easier.

She knows that “better” is not something that just happens. It is a hilly road to travel, with an end in sight, but without knowledge as to where or how long it will take to get there. She is traveling that road, and has been for quite some time. She has reached the top of one of the hills, and has fallen down, despondently and furiously. But she is getting back up, ready to face another day, to rise, to stretch her arms out, and become the person she wants to be. “Never again,” she utters silently, as she glares back at her reflection once again.


She stares at herself, knowing that in her head “never” is the truest thing ever. Yet she wonders if she is strong enough to let the ease of never occur, blocking all of the hard work of the destruction that gets in its way. She rinses off her toothbrush again in the sink, opens the toothpaste next to the faucet, and prepares herself to be temporarily cleansed. “This will help” she thinks to herself. “This is step one to a new never.”