Fading of innocence

Fading of innocence

Her name was Sarah Ann.  She embodied beauty.  Her blue eyes had an indescribable twinkle in them.  Her round cheeks were not cute per say, rather they caused her to give off a sense of love that made the hearts of everyone who saw her warm up, forcing a smile across their faces.  Her blond curls were wild; they shot out from her head like ballerinas pirouetting, graceful, full of energy and motion.  Her petite frame gave her a sense of vulnerability, making you want to grab out for her, to hold her, to soothe her, to help her.  And she had a twinkle in each eye, causing her appeal to shine from her, giving off a beam that touched every near her.  

She wore a pink jumper, which floated around her roundish frame.  On the collar of the jumper were tiny flowers with white petals.  There were two pockets near her knees, empty, as Sarah Ann had no possessions.

Sarah Ann was a simple soul.  Quiet and calm, she was not one to pontificate life’s mysteries.  Rather, she lied still on Lilly’s bed when unoccupied, or stretched out on the blue carpet of her bedroom.  She liked to feel the sun shine on her face through the bedroom window.  In those moments, when she lied there alone, she felt at ease; the silence singing into her ears, its soft melody like fluff running over her body. 

Sarah Ann was content in her life.  She enjoyed her duties as Lilly’s companion.  When she was home, Lilly never left her alone.  She was constantly checking to see how she was feeling, poking and prodding at her, or wanting to play dress up or shove food in her face.  When Lilly wasn’t around, there was Allison.  Sarah Ann tried her very best to like Lilly’s newest companion.  She had a sweetness about her, an innocence that Sarah Ann did not possess.  The truth was, Sarah Ann was jealous of the attention Lilly devoted to Allison.  Sarah Ann would see Lilly run up to Allison, excited to tell her about her day’s activities, to caress her and give her the a type of affection that Sarah Ann now rarely received.  There were times when Sarah Ann looked at Allison, and felt a hot rage grow in her stomach.  She pushed it away, as she knew she should not be having these types of feelings; they were not part of her being.  At those moments, she felt for the twinkle in her eyes, begging that twinkle to take over her body, making her pure once again.

The wonderful soul of Sarah Ann did not have a happy ending.  One day, Sarah Ann heard Lilly clunk up the stairs.  She heard her mother screaming behind her “Clean up your room, there is crap all over the floor!”  “Fine!” Lilly screamed back.  Lilly entered the room, tears smeared across her face, anger breathing off of her skin from her mother’s scolding.  Sarah Ann saw Lilly approach Allison, happy that she would bear the brunt of her discontent.  Lilly picked up Allison, struggling to get her words out, saying “Oh Allison, oh Allison, why can’t I stop crying?”  Lilly then placed Allison on her bed, lightly laying her across her pillow.  Lilly began to pick up things off of the floor, throwing clothes in the hamper, and toys in the basket next to the window.  She picked Sarah Ann up roughly, muttering “Hi Sarah Ann,” and threw her into the toy basket.  She then continued to clean the room, tears still running down her young cheeks.

Sarah Anna would remain in that toy basket day after day for the next five years.  She would watch Lilly snuggle with Allison each evening before falling into a quiet sleep.  The twinkle in Sarah Ann’s eyes would start to fade, perhaps due to the constant shine of sun coming through the window.  But Sarah Ann knew it was not the sun that was causing her twinkle to disappear.  It was the sense of abandonment and loneliness that tore through her body minute after minute, day after day.  Sarah Ann would stare at Allison on the bed, wishing she could move, that she could wrap her hands around her perfect beige neck and take back her place as Lilly’s number one doll.  

Dreaming

Dreaming

I wrap the warm covers around me, and snuggle into my bed.  I curl my legs into my stomach, bend me arms and crunch them into my chest.  I picture how I look from above, a little ball enveloped in a fluffy blanket, silent and motionless, like a turtle in its shell.  I close my eyes and feel myself doze…

Before I know it I’m there.  The powder blue sky sits above me, and I’m surrounded by bubbles.  The sun shines on them, the reflection revealing their blue and pink tint.  I spin around, my arms raised in the air, surrounded by bubbles and the perfect blue sky.  I feel pure elation, inner peace, a sense of happiness that I never thought possible.

Then I see it from the corner of my eyes.  The gray and black ball comes rolling toward me; not fast, as if someone kicked it, yet not slow, as if the wind were pushing it along.  It stops in front of me.  It slowly splits itself in half.  It is hollow inside, and I approach it.  Before I know it, I am sucked into the black ball, shrunk to fit inside it, and taken away.

I try to breathe, yet I’m covered in mud.  I feel my lungs begin to collapse, an intense pain forming inside of them, as I struggle to take a breath.  Finally, an air hole opens under one of my nostrils.  I still cannot open my eyes, and the sensation of the sticky mud and the unawareness of where I am pushes an intense sense of fear up my throat.  The fear lingers, lodged in my mouth, which I cannot open to release it. 

I somehow manage to move my head, and I am back in paradise, with the flawless blue sky and bubbles all over.  I feel the strong sun on the top of my blond hair; I am somehow clean of all the mud.  The sun takes me in, and my feet are being pulled off the ground.  I am rising up higher and higher into the sky.  I see my parents below me, my mother wearing a light green dress with buttons down the front, my father in a gray suit.  They run toward me as I rise up, smiles on their faces and twinkles in their eyes.  I am higher and higher in the sky, I am weightless, complete bliss taking the space of where my body used to be.  Suddenly, I feel a jolt.  I find myself falling fast, faster, faster, faster, my heart racing and despair taking over me. 

My body shakes unexpectedly and I am awake in my bed.  I open my eyes, and wipe my forehead, which is warm and damp.  I turn toward the window and see the sun is rising.  I look at my watch, which says 6:30am.  I climb out of bed, ready to start the day.